This last week has been difficult. A different difficult from the first week.
Still the testing. But a settled-in, testing-of-weak-spots testing.
And mostly a testing of Little Man. Settling in means sibling bickering and hitting and sticking out of tongues and all sorts of nine year old drama.
But there has also been rich reward. Lots more activity. Flexibility. Trust. Love. Calling me Mama. Singing his lullaby to me before I even start. Kisses all over his face.
And maybe it’s because of that reward that the end looms larger. There is so much to be said and done and loving that needs to happen.
And then what?
I don’t know.
And that terrifies me.
I don’t know.
Do I host him again? Do I pursue adoption even though it seems likely he won’t be available? Is that the right thing? Do I host no matter his status? Is this one, so loved, infecting my life, mine and only mine? Or is he mine to share with other families? Mine to advocate for? Mine to know and love and believe in so that I can help him find his path away from me into someone else’s arms?
I never thought I would be contemplating these things. I thought I would either love easily or love sacrificially, embrace or endure. I never thought I would do all of those things, sometimes all in the same moment.
I never thought I wouldn’t know.
But there are things I do know.
I know I am not in control of this decision.
I know I have choices. I can choose to let this rule my mind or pack it away for a little while. I can choose to let this taint the time I have or I can use the time I have to know him better.
I know I am in the right place right now.
I know I have others with me in this. It doesn’t make sense that there are special ones who have fallen for this boy as hard as I have…how does that happen in a day, in an hour, in a moment? But it has. His American family is bigger than just me. I know I am not alone in seeing this little one, in experiencing this magic. You know who you are…and you are invaluable.
I know this child is mine….and will never leave my heart, no matter where he is physically.
I know he needs me. I know I am the one he reaches for when he is afraid or hurting or sad.
I know that when it’s time to know, I will know.
So, until then, I’ll live in the I don’t know.
And I’ll treasure this time. We will leave all of this thinking behind for a while.
Take a vacation from our problems.
Go camping with some special ones.
Get our hands all sticky and our feet all dirty and our mouths all smiley.
Make some memories unmarked by the I don’t knows.
Because I know I’ll never be here again.