I am in the dead zone. The lull. The in between. When the emotions have evened out, and the preparations of upcoming adventures have not yet begun.
It is the trickle of the every day.
And I find that it is there that I most often lose hope. In the corners of the quiet, I feel forgotten. My efforts feel futile. My movements forward are in slow motion.
This is my third hosting. Now I understand the ennui of friends that others have talked about. Hosting has started to become that “thing” that I do. It’s not exciting or new. It’s part of who I am. And so many have given and given. It’s not surprising to see passion wane. Even within myself, I look forward more to the time with Sunshine than I do to the tasks of fundraising.
It’s hard, too, knowing that the future is uncertain. Many around me are hosting with the possibility of adoption on the horizon. And that is wonderful, and exciting, and scary. I know that not all of their stories will have a happy ending in this life. But watching that first blossom of hope is a thrilling thing. And it’s a little easier for others outside of this journey to latch onto that hope as well.
I’m not there. I’m in the world of the host-only. It is a world I have found to be richly rewarding. I know that Sunshine is connected to me; I know that I don’t need legal paperwork to be a mother. And this, too, is wonderful, and exciting, and scary. But it’s a different road. It’s a road without a set goal, without a map, without steps to take. And truthfully, this can be exhausting and lonely. It’s not a path that people can wrap their heads around.
And I’m tired.
I’m tired of trying to explain how much I love this girl. I’m tired of seeing the falling faces when I try to tell of this journey. I’m tired of not having the paradigm to describe how she is in the very fabric of my life.
But sometimes I think I make it too complicated. Because it’s not really. I love this girl. She is mine. She belongs here. Maybe only for a little while physically. But always here.
And maybe I’m not as alone as I think. I was reminded of this yesterday when I went out to breakfast with some of my siblings. We were talking about Sunshine’s return, and her host-only status, and my brother turned to me and simply said, “So how do we get her here to stay?”
How do we.
I’m not in this by myself. She’s family. I’m not the only one who knows it. And just like many other things in life, there aren’t easy answers or simple solutions. But just talking about it helped. It’s not about the answers anyway. It’s about living it together as we figure it out.